Harry is Dumb, Throw Rocks at Him
by Nicole11
Summary: Joint fic by foags and Nicole... Harry looks in the mirror and realizes something that will change his life forever... he's ugly.


Disclaimer: Me and Foags don't own anything. J. K. Rowling does, but I bet she'd never think up this idea :)  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Our scene opens today with our good friend Harry Potter. But, oh! He seems troubled...let's find out what's troubling him shall we? Let's zoom in for a closer look...  
  
Harry stood in front of the mirror examining his reflection with acute apprehension. He was rubbing his chin and looking from all different angles. He seemed puzzled by something, but his roommates had no idea what.  
  
"Ummm... Harry...?" Ron asked, waving his hand in front of Harry's face. Harry had been standing in their dormitory, staring at the mirror with a blank look on his face for hours.  
  
"Do you think he's dead?" Seamus whispered to Dean.  
  
"Harry?" Ron asked again, poking his friend in the arm.  
  
"...Ugly..." Harry said, his face like a piece of slate.  
  
"Who is?" Ron asked cautiously, wondering if Harry would notice if he backed  
  
slowly away.  
  
"Me...ugly..." Harry said, still having a blank expression on his face.  
  
Seamus, Dean, and Ron all breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"Is that all?" Seamus laughed. "Well, thank you captain obvious."  
  
"You mean, you knew?" Harry asked angrily, turning to glare at Seamus. "And  
  
you never told me?"  
  
"We thought you knew." Dean said seriously. "I mean, we talk about it all the time."  
  
Harry stood there with his mouth open in shock, which, obviously, just increased his amount of ugliness.  
  
"So... so what is it? Is it the glasses?" Harry asked, removing his glasses and looking up at his friends hopefully.  
  
Dean, Seamus, and Ron all had thoughtful looks on their faces.  
  
"No." They all agreed.  
  
"You just have..." Ron thought out loud. "An ugly quality about you."  
  
Dean and Seamus agreed  
  
"Oh, a QUALITY, good!" Harry said exasperatedly. "because I was worried you guys were going to be vague about this!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Harry quickly left the dorm room, not wanting to talk to Dean, Ron, or Seamus. As he proceeded to the Great Hall for some lunch, he couldn't help but notice that every head turned when he  passed. Whispers and pointing fingers followed him everywhere. Before today, Harry had always thought that these reactions were the result of him being famous.  
  
Harry ducked into the Great Hall, trying to cover his face with his robe.  
  
"What's wrong Harry?" Hermione asked as her best friend sat down next to her.  
  
"Why are you hiding your face?" Ginny giggled.  
  
"You mean... you guys don't know yet?" Harry asked, keeping his head covered.  
  
"Know what?" Parvati and Lavender chorused.  
  
"I'm.... I'm ugly." Harry said, hanging his head in shame. All of the girls exchanged looks of confusion.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Ginny laughed, pulling on Harry's robe. Once it fell down to his side, and his face was revealed, the girls gasped. Harry couldn't see it, but everyone around him had scooted as far away as they could.  
  
"Oh my God." Hermione whispered.  
  
"I think I'm going to be sick." Ginny said, covering her mouth.  
  
"How did it get like that?" Lavender said quietly. "Were you in an accident?"  
  
Harry shook his head gloomily.  
  
"Don't worry Harry." Parvati said, not being able to look at his face and concentrating on the food on her plate. "There's always plastic surgery."  
  
Ginny glanced up at Harry again and made a few retching noises. She covered her mouth and ran out of the hall. Hermione happily followed. Not soon after, Lavender and Parvati muttered something about having to go join a cult as they bolted out of the Great Hall.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Draco and Ron sat under a tree playing wizard chess. Ever since Harry had discovered his unattractiveness, he wasn't one to go out in public. So Ron had to find other friends, and Draco was the first person he saw.  
  
Ron was just about to tell his knight to destroy Draco's pawn when he heard screaming in the distance.  
  
Harry was coming toward them, and people were scattering in his wake. One first year made the mistake of looking directly at Harry's face, and was now screaming, "My eyes! My eyes!" as he ran around blindly.  
  
"Oh shit." Draco said, looking around for a big, blinking exit sign, but finding none.  
  
Harry walked past a group of fifth year Ravenclaw girls, and screams about a troll on the loose echoed around the grounds.  
  
"Maybe if we sit very still, he wont see us." Ron whispered to Draco out of the corner of his mouth.  
  
But before Harry could get any closer to Ron and Draco, Cho Chang stood up and started screaming;  
  
"If there's somethin' strange in your neighborhood, who ya gonna call?"  
  
Everyone on the Hogwarts grounds screamed, "Ghostbusters!"  
  
"If it's somethin' weird an it wont look good, who ya gonna call?" Cho continued.  
  
Teachers leaned out of windows to join in on screaming, "Ghostbusters!"  
  
Smoke started pouring out of the Forbidden Forest, and all eyes were on it when two figures emerged.  
  
"Who are you?" One first year asked.  
  
"I'm Foags," One girl said. She then motioned to the girl next to her. "And this is Nicole."  
  
"What seems to be the problem?" Nicole asked importantly. Someone began to explain, but she and Foags both seemed to be in a daze.  
  
"Look Nicole!" Foags said dreamily, cutting off the person's explanation. "Beautiful people! I told you we weren't a lost species!"  
  
Nicole and Foags then proceeded to float to Draco and Ron.  
  
"Hey Ron!" Draco said happily. "Look! Beautiful women! I thought I'd  never see another one again!"  
  
"I know what you mean." Ron agreed. "Once I got to Hogwarts, I was beginning to wonder whether the entire female population had gone to the dogs."  
  
Hermione made to smack Ron, but Ginny caught her hand.  
  
"Uh, sweetie?"  
  
"Fine!" Hermione said dejectedly, tugging her hand away from Ginny's grip. "But, you're no Yasmine Bleeth yourself!"  
  
Everyone else seemed to be drawn to the cat-fight-in-the-making, but Nicole, Draco, and Ron were all busy goggling over the new found beauty. Foag's gaze had traveled over to something that wasn't so easy on the eyes.  
  
"Oh my God!" She yelled, covering her mouth as she stared at Harry. That caught Nicole's attention, and she also screamed, which caused everyone else to look back at Harry.  Even Ginny and Hermione stopped cat- fighting.  
  
"Do you think he's a burn victim?" Nicole whispered to Foags.  
  
"No, he was born like that." Ron said sadly.  
  
"And I thought Michael Jackson was scary." Foags shuttered.  
  
"That's why we called you." Cho said. "His ugliness is causing too many injuries. The hospital wing is full of people who are temporarily blind. Some are even unconscious from walking into walls as he passed them!"  
  
"That does sound serious." Nicole said. She turned to Foags, and suddenly gasped. "Oh no, this is worse then I thought. I think you're getting wrinkles!"  
  
"Nooooooo!" Foags screamed. "Harry's ugliness is draining all of the hotness from the world! WHAT A BE-OTCH!" she then pointed at Nicole's face, stating, "I think you're nose is getting bigger as we speak!"  
  
"Bastard." Nicole spat, glaring at Harry.  
  
"I guess there's only one thing to do." Foags said, nodding at Nicole. Both girls reached behind them, into their backpacks, and started throwing rocks at Harry.  
  
It only took a few second for the rest of the school to join in. People were grabbing rocks off of the ground and hurling them toward Harry. Others were screaming that he was polluting our earth with his ugliness, and how they could just feel themselves getting ugly in his presence. Even the Creevey brothers had joined in. They were using their own--erm-- unique approach. They broke out in a song and dance routine.  
  
*to the tune of 'Camptown Races'*  
  
"Harry is a buttmunch!  
  
doo da! doo da!  
  
he is ugly and mean too  
  
oh dee doo da day  
  
BUUUUUTTMUNCH!  
  
UUUUUGLY!  
  
Harry that stupid jackass  
  
oh dee doo da day!"  
  
When they finished their song, bowed, and a the applause stopped, everything was very silent. Everyone had run out of rocks, and Harry was in the fetal position, almost completely covered with rocks. The silence was broken suddenly by very muffled sobs.  
  
"Awww, we made him cry." Foags said with a smile.  
  
"I'm so proud of us." Nicole said happily.  
  
A few pops could be heard and, suddenly, four Death Eaters and Voldemort  
  
showed up.  
  
"Sing it boys." Voldemort said. And the four Death Eaters began to sing;  
  
"(bum bum bum bum...)  
  
Harry you're ugly and you're stupid too.  
  
How could you just pollute the earth?  
  
(bum bum bum bum)  
  
And you know you're causing all of the hotness to drain!  
  
YOU ARE JUST A BUTTMUNCH  
  
(no one likes a buttmunch) (oooooo)  
  
and you're also just a paa-aa-aain"  
  
"Finally," Voldemort said, pulling out his wand and pointing it at Harry. "I get to kill you. Avada-"  
  
"Wait!" Ron yelled.  
  
Voldemort sighed and stomped his foot, doing a marvelous impression of a five year old.  
  
"Coooooome oooooon," he whined. "I think I've earned the right to kill him."  
  
"No, it's not that. I think he's already dead." Ron said. He bent down and took Harry's pulse, then announced that he was indeed dead.  
  
Then Voldie started making weird stuttering noises...  
  
"Must... kill... Harry... erk... came here to... kill something... must... kill... something... erk.." he was jerking all about, every which way and making noises like a robot breaking down. He suddenly pointed his wand at his forehead and screamed, "Avada Kedavra!"  
  
"Wow," Draco sighed. "Two ugly people with one stone."  
  
"Well, it was more like a hundred stones, a barbershop quartet, and a choreographed song and dance, but whatever.  Toldja we were good" Foags said, proudly. Then she turned to high-five Nicole.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Second after that moment, a recently ordained minister arrived! He wed Nicole to Draco and Ron, and Foags to Draco and Ron. After traveling the world and ridding many other places of ugly people, the four of them settled down and lived in a ginormous mansion. Oliver Wood, Seamus, Orlando Bloom, Viggo Mortensen, and Heath Ledger stayed in their mansion, being used as pool boys and the occasional man slave.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
A/N: That's it! Did you like it? Cause me and Foags had tons of fun writing it. Sooooo, tell us what you thought of it. 


End file.
